


Monster i have become

by ShowerFresh_DIOderant



Series: I'm not supposed to love you [2]
Category: Apex Legends (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Character Death, Death, Denial, Grief/Mourning, Other, Reader-Insert, Repressed Memories, Robot/Human Relationships, Robots, Simulacra
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:08:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25175899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShowerFresh_DIOderant/pseuds/ShowerFresh_DIOderant
Summary: An alternate universe in which Revenant doesn't make it in time to save you.From the story I'm not supposed to love you
Relationships: Revenant (Apex Legends)/Reader
Series: I'm not supposed to love you [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1823863
Comments: 5
Kudos: 60





	Monster i have become

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry it has taken so long for a post, it's been rough ^^

You were on the table, lights bright and blinding. 

White. 

A bright white that could only make you think of an end or maybe a beginning.

It didn’t matter.

All that you could think of was how scared you were, how that tight feeling in your chest was going to swallow you whole alongside of the guilt. 

Did you do enough? Did you do the right thing? Would your parents be proud?

Did you live enough of a life for the two of you? You and your brother? One that he would never have?

Heh, of course not. 

Your doubts screamed through your mind as your consciousness waivered. 

God. 

Everything you had been through… becoming an assassin, meeting THE fucking Crypto, living the high life, meeting Revenant…

You didn’t want to think it was all for nothing. It couldn’t be for nothing.

“It looks healthy. It’ll be the perfect organic component to it’s source code.”

Oh. You weren’t even dead yet and were already being referred to as an “it.” Jeez. If you could move any part of your body, you’d probably roll your eyes, but as far as you were concerned, there wasn’t much of a sense of your body at all aside from random bouts of hearing and just a consciousness adrift inside of your skull, a candle waiting to be snuffed out.

“Start the laser and begin the injections. It must be as fresh as possible.”

Fuck.

That was the only word that flickered inside of you.  
Once again feeling the fear blossom in what you could assume was your chest. It was like the chest of your consciousness since it really didn’t feel like you were in your body anymore if that makes any sense. 

You were going to die. _You were going to die._

There was a pressure, a pressure in your skull. 

Those fucks didn’t want to wait until you were fucking dead to gut your skull like a fish? Fuck them.  
That would definitely be a last thought, wouldn’t it?  
Sounds like something he would say?

Revenant? Yeah, if only that asshole could’ve been here, then you wouldn’t have had to even look at this rollercoaster of emotions that you road on. 

The white began to darken.

Now that, that stopped every train of thought in your head.

This was it. This was death. 

So many people to say goodbye to and not enough time. Fuck.

The last picture in your head was of Revenant gently holding your arm, telling you that you looked at him differently. In that flash of a moment, you could feel his cold, metal fingers on your skin, down to the tiny ripples that helped him climb.

It felt so good. 

It was such a good feeling.

…  
….  
…

Revenant had killed his target. He had made it a little later than he would have liked and caught him while he was sleeping, the stupid fuck. Luckily, he didn’t have to kill the wife since she slept through the lovely crack her husband’s neck made. 

That’d be quite the surprise to wake to in the morning. 

The thought had him chuckling to himself as he quickly and quietly made it home as you had asked, keeping out of camera shot and remembering to shut the window. Fucking birds. 

You had told him he could have a key to the apartment. 

As if he would walk right through the front door like some sort of fool, they would recognize him immediately. He was hoping that it was just some sort of joke, but the extra key was definitely real and tangible, sitting in his hand, shimmering silver. He hummed as he twirled it between his nimble fingers before sliding into one of his pouches he kept on for emergencies.

He looked around the living room, finding it to be surprisingly quiet, which was very odd considering that there was usually some sort of white noise, like chores, music, television or talking to your idiot friends. It was like white noise, though. He didn’t like listening to it, but it was something to occupy his mind while he worked, cleaning weapons or adding names to his lovely list.

_Where were you?_

What could you possibly be doing right now that had kept you out all night into the morning? It wasn’t normal for you to be out this late for a mission. His first thought was that maybe you had to lay low somewhere and that’s why it’s taking so long, but even so, he’d have to hear about some sort of commotion, copters, emergency alerts, newsflash about a recent murder and enforcement being on the suspect’s tail. 

There was none of that. 

You had just dropped off the grid, leaving him alone with his thoughts, to wonder about where in the fuck you could have gone.

He wasn’t sure why he was even concerned, but with the recent events and your interactions, you were quickly growing on him and it was hard to pry himself off.

He had pressed close to your body, smelling the sweet aroma of your need and wishing he could push those boundaries that he tried so desperately to set, but those half lidded eyes, those plush lips, and the soft supple flesh that would give so easily under his fingers had him emotionally on his knees. 

It was like he was addicted to your presence. Even hearing your voice, something as ridiculous as singing while doing the dishes, was enough to make something warmer in his chest cavity. He absolutely hated to admit that though. He’d rather wake up in a new body than say that out loud.

Maybe you were just sleeping. You could’ve just snuck in without him knowing and went to bed, also unusual since you loved every opportunity to pop in and say hello before passing out.

He unceremoniously pushed open your door, not even bothering to knock. He didn’t care, peeking into your room and finding it empty. 

Your bedsheets were wrinkled and your clothes from before were tossed onto the floor. The room was normally kept clean, so he assumed you meant to take care of it when you got back.  
He was tempted to try and contact you, but he couldn’t do that. That would make it look like he gave a damn about you.

If he were to ask, you’d rub it in his face.  
‘AWWW, you care about me, Rev? So sweet of you!!! Don’t forget to have flowers for me when I make it home!’

You would say something stupid like that just to piss him off. He could feel it and was not having it.

He’d keep waiting. You were just probably held up. Its not like it would be the first time.

…

…

…

“DAMN IT!”

Tae Joon slammed his fists on the desk, eyes frantically looking over the screen to find some sort of line stating it was false, some sort of line saying that you were alive somewhere.

Nothing.

Nothing else came up anywhere with your name, only the time of death and that you were recovered after a deadly altercation with officers, that you were involved with the assassinations of Hammond employees, and that the information about who you worked for was erased.

“You…”

His fingers shook, breath short as he kept reading the exact time you were pronounced dead.

“You cant…”

_‘Don’t forget that I can help you when I have time, okay?’_

He remembered your warm smile as it graced him for the first time…

There were multiple attackers he had seen from a short distance, hiding and looking through his drone. You were fighting well, taking them all on at once, dodging, shooting. It was almost comical how these well trained guards were unable to subdue one person. 

You laughed down at one of your attackers, but was kicked in the shins and sent to the floor, ignoring the pain, you kicked out at him and got him in the groin, bringing him to the floor as well.

You beat him over the head with your pistol and looked up just in time to see one of them with a gun. He remembered your closed eyes and your body flinching as his body broke into action, not even caring about having his cover blown. 

The hacker vaulted over a table, grabbed his drone out of mid-air and slammed it against the side of his face when the attacker turned.

During the scuffle, your gun had skittered over the floor, out of your reach. 

“Well, are you going to shoot me?”

Crypto hooked his drone to his back and held out a hand.

“Baegchi… Get up.”

“Oooo, that’s a language I haven’t heard in a while.”

You had stood up with his assistance and there it was, that warm smile that blossomed on your face like the blood on the floor.

“YOU are the coolest.” You looked over his shoulder, standing on your tiptoes to get a better look, “That is a really cool drone! HEY! You probably saw me fighting earlier!? Why didn’t you come help!?”

“I don’t even know who you are,” he said simply.

You scratched your head and laughed, “Right, sorry.”

Such a simple interaction that normally he would have thought nothing of, became something that sparked a close friendship. He didn’t really have friends. He normally kept to himself and if he ever needed anyone, he had Mila, but Mila was gone and you were all that was left. He didn’t have anyone he could share his thoughts with or simply talk about the games he was currently involved in.

It was quiet. It was so very quiet.

“Ay, Crypto, everythin’ alright?” Lifeline came into his room on the dropship, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder.

Under normal circumstances, he wouldn’t have let her come close enough to see the screen or even let her touch him, but he would allow it only once, minimizing the page and leaving his symbol on the screen as a wallpaper.

Her hand was warm on his shoulder, comforting, but at the same time aiding in his imminent breakdown.

“I- I am fine. Just…”

She gave his shoulder one last pat before retreating.

“Don’t mean to bother ya. Just know if ya eva need to talk, Ajay’s gotcha.”

She was a sweet woman, but he had never heard her speak so sincerely, so sympathetically towards him. It pained him to hear her walk away, but he would rather have the space for when he began to shake.

You were gone, lifeless somewhere and he didn’t get to say goodbye. It was just like Mila. Except he knew that Mila had to be alive somewhere, you, though… everything seemed too accurate for it to be a lie. The details were too… detailed. It was a feeling, a feeling in his gut that he knew you really were dead.

He wondered if that thing in your apartment knew or not. He would have to see after the match.

“Joesong haeyo… I’m so sorry…”

…

…  
…

You never showed up. Two days went by and he felt sick. He knew he was a robot and couldn’t get sick, but the feeling was all too real. 

He even tried to call you earlier, sending you message after message and getting nothing in return.  
Something had happened to you while he sat on his ass. 

He flipped through the news, trying to find something on a death recently that wasn’t one of his. When that didn’t work, he worked his way into your computer to find your missions, peeking into the file that said “Recently Accepted.” 

There it was. He recognized that name for sure.  
It said that the attacker was confronted by officers and was eliminated on site.

He froze.

He couldn’t move. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t breathe.  
Of course he couldn’t breathe, but he still felt the burning tightness of his non-existent lungs.

You had died.

It shouldn’t shock him, after all, that was how this life was. He said it himself all the time.

An assassin doesn’t die quietly. From what it said, you had died being riddled with bullets. 

He couldn’t believe that. He couldn’t believe that bullshit for an instant. You had to be alive out there and this had to be some sick fucking prank.

His fist slammed into the metal of the desk, denting it in and wrenching the support bar, underneath, out of socket. A ragged growl ripped from him as he rammed his fist right through your computer screen.

You were going to be mad about that. Yeah, you were going to be pissed.

He crawled out the small window of your apartment, remembering to slide it shut with the tips of his fingers.

…

…

…

What was this? Why was it so fucking cold in here? Gosh, you didn’t even know your name. This didn’t feel right one bit, but you supposed you should roll with it. After all, your body wouldn’t move, so you didn’t have very many options. 

This is fine.

You heard footsteps in front of you, seeing them on the other side of the glass. People. People in lab coats. Yes. Scientists… or just people wanting to wear lab coats, who knows whether or not they’re licensed or not.

“It is already conscious? This is brilliant! Its Ego retention program is already in place so when we reboot it, it should see itself. The Revenant was the perfect guinea pig to start making real Simulacrums. Real works of art, rather than scraps that come back for seconds and thirds.”

Huh? Everything that he just said, made sense and didn’t make sense at the exact same time. You couldn’t remember any of that personally, but you knew what each word meant and what all of it put together meant. 

The revenant was their first successful simulacrum, right? Ego retention… so you were a simulacrum? You felt so human… that couldn’t be right at all. NO! THIS WAS A MISTAKE! THEY HAVE THE WRONG PERSON BEHIND THIS GLASS! 

You wanted to move, scream, beg, pound on the glass, ask to be set free, but you couldn’t. You were stuck in the same slouched position you woke up in.

No… I cant be like them… I CANT BE A MACHINE! I’M NOT A MACHINE! I’M NOT A MACHINE!  
You chanted in your head over and over and over until your world went black. 

….

….

….

Forge was dead and he would be just the beginning.

It had been two months since you had disappeared, the dust already collecting on your shelves, the whole apartment looking abandoned and dark. 

He had enough credits to keep there, breaking into your accounts to switch it over to his own. You better be grateful for his generosity when he found you, he thought ad he readied his gear for another run. His target would be an easy in and out as usual. After you disappeared, he had been nonstop killing, moving from one target to another, only returning to grab more supplies and repair. 

The emptiness if the apartment was getting to him, but he kept finding himself staring into the kitchen, trying to envision you cooking again, giving him a small wave as he came out of his room. 

He scoffed and looked away, back to your blank television. It was ridiculous for him to be imagining stupid things like he was never going to see them again. He knew he was going to find you and bring you back so you can smile your dumb smile and sing your stupid songs.

He saw new intel sent to his vision, video of his target entering the building. 

_Showtime._

He readied his pistol with a click and holstered it. With that, he was on his way. 

It didn’t take him long at all to get there, sticking to the shadows and hopping over buildings, like Spider-Man as you would’ve so foolishly spouted out your mouth.  
He imagined you along for the ride in that tight, black bodysuit, arms wrapped around him as he jumped to each rooftop. 

No. Focus. 

Thinking about her was a waste of time when he had spilled blood to think about. That burst of euphoria he got after killing was enough to help him forget all of this, like a drug. He thrived off of it. It would send him on such a rampage sometimes that it almost did get him caught, giving him some major damage that you weren’t there to repair for him. 

Fuck. 

You had been such a huge part of his life in this past month or so, that trying to forget was so fucking hard. It hurt in a way that didn’t require him to he damaged. It felt like he had a heart for once and it hurt him worse than having an arm torn off. 

TARGET INSIDE

-Flashed in his vision, zooming onto one of the windows of the building and outlining him.  
It shook him out of his struggle, focusing in on the hunt. He was more than ready for it.

However, he moved to jump after them and was surprised, being jerked backwards, flying back into the building behind him, glass skittering around him, scratching his paint. 

What in the ever-loving fuck was that? 

A grapple? 

A grapple and cord were wrapped tight around his foot, the force of the pull, bending some of the metal inward, leaving small dents.

He heard it, the heavy metal crunch of a footsteps. 

“Who the fuck are you?” Revenant ground out as he scooted back on his haunches. It was a female voice that responded, definitely robotic, quiet, but cold. 

“I’m your death.” 

It sounded familiar. Too familiar. 

And he didn’t like that one bit. 

It was as tall as he was, slender and painted white with blue accents, its face covered by a sleek, blue visor, unless of course there was no face and that was it. 

The body was a very feminine design and it curved above the slightly wider hips. Its fingers were slender and black, its feet looked just like a human’s feet but oddly articulated, toes similar to his in that they couldn’t move, but he could still bend his foot.  
It had pastel blue straps that held its weapons and on its back was an interesting blade, one that looked like the same color as its visor. 

“What are you?” He got up and began to pace, keeping his eye on it like a predator to its prey, not taking his optics off of that strange machine. 

“It doesn’t matter. You’re going down, tin can. See how long you last against these guns.”

He felt the sensation of a sharp, stabbing pain in his chest. He hadn’t been hit, it didn’t even pick up its gun yet. 

Was it an it? Or was it a who? 

He slammed his fist into the wall, letting out a sick roar, not necessarily meaning to alarm the enemy machine, but if his thoughts were correct…

“WHAT ARE YOU!? ARE YOU LIKE ME?”

Its head tilted in curiosity as its posture relaxed.

“No. I’m pretty sure you’re a robot. There’s no way in hell I’m like you.”

God damn it. Another simulacrum? Do those fuckers not have any shame? They couldn’t just settle with their one mistake and leave it at that? No, of course not.  
Those fucking skinsuits just couldn’t stop playing with the fucking fire. Now, there’s another one, another metal ghost walking around just like him.

Over his own rotted corpse.

“I’m gonna teach you the hard way that you’re more like me than you’d like to think.”

They sprinted at him, drawing that dumb, glass looking sword, charging forward with a static shout, clearly not expecting him to duck the slice with ease, they turned, swiping again. 

He’d surprise them with his little trick, activating his totem around the corner of a rooftop generator on command, turning his body into charred metal, lined with a bright burning fire from within, smoke and ash emanating from his body as he took the blow, disappearing from its view.

“Huh… wha-“

Revenant wanted to avoid shooting weapons so that he didn’t alarm anyone to this fight, preferring to keep this fight between him and his new toy, so he readied his “silence orb.” He had it since he was made, but just hadn’t felt a need to use it. This might be one of those times. 

He saw them try to grapple towards him, pulling out what appeared to be a G-7 Scout, but before he would let them fire, he launched the orb, hitting them smack dab in the chest, locking up their grapple and sending them rolling to the ground, Visor cracked and circuits sparking.

“What did you-u- eh-u- do to- oo-oo- oooo-oo me?”

They locked up, arms trying to drag them-self towards you, head twitching and legs refusing to move, which means there’s something special about those legs. 

“Stopped ya dead in your tracks. Now…”

Revenant stomped hard on the simulacrum’s chest.

“This is the fun part. This is how I found out what happened.”

He punched them square in the face, shattering their visor and grabbing up one of the big chunks. They had turned their head before he could get a look at the face, eh, doesn’t matter. What matters is that naptime was over and it was time to face the music.

“If I’m correct, it should be riiiiight…. Here.”

He slammed the shard into their neck, reveling in their screams, trying so desperately hard not to dig it in deeper. He wanted to know who this was. He needed to know and if it was dead, he wouldn’t be able to find out. The high was right there. Just fucking end this thing’s misery before it ends up like you, is what he kept telling himself, but he knew better. It hadn’t gone through nearly as much as him as it was definitely brand new, as far as he could tell. He could still smell that new car smell.

“STO-OP! I’m- HURTS- CAN’T BREATHE… why? I can’t… don’t do this…. I’m so scared… its so bright…”

He yanked it out of them, knowing that if he didn’t bust the ego retention then you will definitely die like he would have, fooling your brain into thinking you were dead when a wound like that was in no way fatal for a machine. 

He could see the snapping of electricity from within their shoulder, hoping he freed you from that sick prison inside their own mind.

“You done being a fucking tool? Get up.”

It was still for a moment but eventually turned it’s head to look at him.

“You stabbed me in the neck… how in the hell am I alive… wait… you…”

It sat up and that’s when it finally saw its hands and began the process of waking.

“My-my hands. They are… they’re metal… oh, god… oh, god no…”

He tossed them a small repair kit, suprised thay the shaking had started to subside.

“There is no God. You and I know that better than any of these skinsuits. Don’t have a mirror, but it’s not just your arms. The rest of ya looks like that. You’re made of metal just like me.”

They had to learn at some point and it was better to rip the band aid off now and get it over with than to drag it out and waste time.

“It’s coming to me… Revenant… Revenant, its me. The explosion… the apartment…”

It was you.

It was, fucking, you? You were in that thing!?

He couldn’t even begin to be relieved that you were still with him, because you were dead. You had died and were now this metal shell. You really had died and it was setting in, setting in so hard he was afraid he’d hurt someone or even you.

“NO. THEY ARE ALIVE OUT THERE SOMEWHERE! YOU’RE A FAKE! THEY SENT YOU TO ME TO FUCK WITH ME!”

You were quiet, trying to recover from his outburst, but not moving away.

“I’m not fake, Rev. I remember it… You said I was looking at you different..”

Hammond or the syndicate had no access to him or his location. There was no way in hell they could’ve known that. Only you would have known what they had discussed before you left. That meant one thing.

It was you. 

You really were made into a monster like him. If it were anyone else, he wouldn’t have even cared, but you were an entirely different story. Deep inside, you meant the world to him and seeing you like this, never being able to cook again, go back to her own apartment unless she snuck in, not having a mouth…

You were going to suffer and he couldn’t bear to watch you fall apart like he did.

“They’re gonna pay,” he knelt in front of you and held your face between his palms, “They’re going to pay for what they did to you- did to us.”

Your face looked similar to your own, but articulated the metal of your face a pale blue, save for your jaw and the underneath of your eyes. Your eyes were like his, but instead of glowing yellow, they glowed a bright white.

…

…

…

“We are going to finish them.”

You stood, anger boiling inside of you, hearing the heavy joints scrape against the metal, watching most of what they had done to you as you stood, feeling empty, but alive and human at the same time, except here, you weren’t flesh, you were metal.

You wanted so badly to just fall apart, to at least try to cry and scream over what you had lost, but you couldn't now. Crying would have to wait. 

The memories flooded back to you, remembering what it was like to be soft, wishing you could have that back, knowing its impossible. Those disgusting shits took that from you. They took everything from you. 

You turned to see Revenant staring at you. You remembered everything, your feelings for him, your admiration, how close the two of you had gotten. You hoped that you would get to keep that with him in this new form as you stepped close to the red phantom.

“We will tear them apart together, the two of us. Slaughter them like pigs and hang them up like trophies. I wont let those nasty fucks do this to anyone else.”

You wiped a hand down your face and the glass of your visor repaired itself, the pieces flying from all directions to come back to your face.

Well that was nifty, you thought as you loaded your G7.

“You want that guy in there? Let’s fucking get him.”

Time to kill, after all, who were you to argue with programming?”


End file.
